Boris says...

Family.....who needs them?

2011-12-10T12:57:00.000Z

Family
They're supposed to be there for you no matter what.
Supposed to love and care for you without hesitation.
And give you a kick up the arse when you need it most.
My family isn't like that.
I never got along with my mother when I lived with her and that hasn't changed. I remember when I was younger and my older sister used to argue with her, I'd always step in to be the voice of reason whenever I could. But when she left home and it was just me and my mum arguing, she never helped me. I had to put up with the rest of my family telling me that even though my mother was in the wrong I just had to put up with it as it was just what she was like. As soon as I was 18, had my first job and long-term boyfriend, I moved out. Stood on my own two feet and never went back to relying on my family who always let me down.
When I split with my ex, I thought I could deal with it on my own, but he wasn't going to make things easy. He refused to leave our flat so I had to go. After tirelessly persuading her boyfriend, my sister allowed me to move in with them on a temporary basis, until I got myself sorted out.
From the moment they allowed me in however, I felt like a burden to them. From making space for my boxes of crap, to interrupting family time or even worse, walking in on domestics. I couldn't win, they moaned if I was there in the way, and they moaned when I left the house early and came home late. Worst of all was when I was told I couldn't take my niece to the park as they didn't want her meeting my new boyfriend. Apparently they didn't want her getting confused over what happened with my ex, and didn't want lots of men to be meeting her.....really made me feel like crap, they obviously had such a low opinion of me. It really annoyed me considering how many (highly unsuitable) men my sister introduced to her daughter before she settled down.
When I was in hospital last week, my sister made it clear she didn't want me returning to their house for a few days, as she didn't want to leave me there alone during the day while she was at work. I understood this and after a couple of days, asked a friend if she would effectively babysit me during the day so I could still stay at my sister's at night. I asked my sister about this and she said she'd think about it and run it past her boyfriend. When I asked her again later, she wrote me a long message detailing how it wasn't a case of me needing to be babysat, but she couldn't forgive me for what I'd nearly done to her family and they didn't want me in their home any more. She expected me to stay with either my mother, where I would have been suicidal again within days, or with my grandmother who doesn't 'do' sensitive and liked to remind me how selfish and stupid I was being, which again would have led to another suicide attempt.
Instead while I was in hospital I started to register with letting agents to find somewhere of my own. Until I find somewhere my friend Rachel has kindly allowed me to stay with her. In the few days I've been here, she's made me feel more welcome than my own sister did in the few weeks I was there.
I may not have a family I can rely on, but I have some of the best friends I could ever wish for.
Boris x

Hi from the Nut House

2011-12-03T11:20:00.001Z

So I went and did something most people consider foolish.
On tuesday I took an overdose of paracetamol and citalopram.
My sister found my slumped in the hallway, she phoned for an ambulance and dragged me downstairs by my feet. I have huge bruises on my arse to show for it.
I was taken by ambulance to Lewisham Hospital where I was given medication to protect my liver and put on a drip for the next 24hrs or so. I was hooked up to monitors and had blood tests to check I was physically in no further danger. Apparently the overdose was quite high, even though I didn't take anywhere near all of the pills I had ready. If I'd continued my plan and had a drink as well, I probably wouldn't have survived.
On Thursday morning I was deemed physically fine so I was referred to a psychologist. He recommended I spend a few days in hospital for respite before going home. By Thursday night I'd been transferred to a psychiatric ward at Farnborough, where I am currently a voluntary patient.
When I first got here I was terrified, nothing was explained to me, I had a load of tests, my bags searched, and I was locked in. However since speaking to the doctors yesterday and sorting out my medication I'm feeling much more positive.
I'm still not sure what the future holds but I think I can make some changes so I don't feel so desperate again. Well fingers crossed anyway.
I don't regret what I did, as at the time I felt like it was my only option. But now I feel like I might be able to do something about the mess I'm in, so hopefully I won't get so low again. I'm not making any promises but we'll just have to wait and see.

More updates from the nut house to follow.
Boris x

Thought this might make me feel better....hasn't started working yet

2011-11-29T12:53:00.000Z

Right now, life sucks.
I'm living out of suitcases in the loft room at my sisters, surrounded by box upon box of years of crap. Although it's nice spending time with my niece, I'm nothing but a burden there to my sister and her partner.
I called off my wedding a little while ago as things weren't working out with my ex-fiancé. He's now living in the flat we jointly own and expects me to pay for him to. I can't afford that as well as pay off all the debt I incurred from the wedding. So now I need to pay for a solicitor to sort it out, which again I have no money to do.
I can barely muster the energy to go to work in the morning, as I know I'm going to see my ex everywhere I go. He doesn't seem to think that's a problem, making it 10x harder for me. It feels like half the office have turned against me as well, knowing I broke his heart again I can't really blame them.
I can't change jobs because I can't afford to and wouldn't pass the selection process anyway due to my sick record.
My volunteering job is going downhill and I'm on the verge of handing my notice in.
Things with my last boyfriend have all gone wrong, I messed it all up as usual and there's no fixing it. I'm terrified he's going to mess things up for me further and I can't deal with the anxiety.
I've been on anti-depressants for over a year now, but feel like I've gone back to square one.
I have friends, of course I do, good friends who love me, but that's not enough reason to stick around.
Not even my niece, the most important person to me in the world, is enough to keep me here this time. She'd be better off without me. Everyone would. I can't stand feeling like this and have no reason to carry on. There's nothing I want to live for any more. I'm on the verge of ending it all and I don't think there's anything that could save me now.
Sorry if this upsets you. As I've been told a lot recently, I'm a very selfish person. Sorry for not being good enough.
Boris

The Fog Clears

2011-10-24T11:12:00.000+01:00

So I once wrote about being broken. About having been smashed into a thousand pieces and trying to find the glue to put myself back together again. Well I think I have. I feel like I'm back in one piece again after a long time. But this time it's different, the pieces didn't fit together in the same way. They were put together in a drugged haze, which surrounded me like a fog so even I couldn't see that I was changing. Now the fog is clearing I see it more and more, I'm not the same person I was before. Things that once meant everything aren't so important now. I'm focused on myself and the future instead of dwelling in the past. So now I have to cause those I love the most hurt possible, because nothing feels the same any more, and I can't continue living a lie. I had the best but it wasn't good enough. Now all I want is me. It's selfish but true and I can't deny myself any longer.

Sticky Toffee Bakery Goodies

2011-10-11T22:10:00.000+01:00

On Sunday I started following the twitter account @Stickytoffeeb, as I saw from a friend's RT they were running a competition to win a luxury box of cookies and brownies. Well anyone who knows me would know I'd find this irresistible - Cookies AND Brownies! That's my kind of giveaway!

I'd never heard of the Sticky Toffee Bakery before, but take much pleasure in following all kinds of cakey people on twitter, for inspiration and to curb the daily cravings of cakey goodness.

I was so shocked when later that day I got a DM from @Stickytoffeeb saying Congratulations I'd won! After the initial disbelief I did a little dance of excitement and sent them my address, I couldn't wait to receive my goodies!

Today when I returned from work to see a parcel on my postbox I was so excited I nearly opened it in the lift (I'm sure my neighbour would've been happy, she was definitely jealous of my prize). I'm glad I waited until I got in though, as I managed to take a picture before delving in.

The box is of good quality, coated in beautiful silver glitter and tied with a lilac ribbon.
Inside, layers of lilac tissue encased a selection of beautifully crafted brownies and cookies. I didn't manage to take a picture of these as....well....I scoffed most of them as soon as I saw them. They were scrumptious to say the least! There were white chocolate and (I think) Raspberry cookies, as well as chocolate brownie slices with very cute hearts atop them.

I can't recommend Sticky Toffee Bakery highly enough. Their goods are delicious, beautifully packaged and arrived in incredibly good time, and the staff are friendly and courteous.
Please visit their website at www.stickytoffeebakery.com or follow them on Twitter @Stickytoffeeb for more info.

I'm now going to finish what's left of my goodie box, so thanks for reading.

Loads of love Boris xx

2011-06-24T21:05:00.000+01:00

A couple of days ago the bf and I got news that we would need to complete on the purchase of our flat next week. Firstly we were incredibly excited, there was a lot of squealing and jumping about (on my part anyway). But when we started thinking rationally we realised that we have approx 1 week to sort out removals from both our homes as well as get packing materials, clear out unwanted things, and get packed.
The bf took this task much better than me, he got organised immediately, calling in favours from his family and he's now pretty much sorted, everything's gradually going into boxes, van is hired, everyone's got their own little jobs.
Me on the other hand, well I haven't quite got that far. To be honest I haven't done a thing except try not to think about it. You see although I have moved a couple of times before, I've always had people around to help me and I've never done it on my own before. With the bf off sorting his own stuff out, I feel like I've got to do it on my own, but haven't got the slightest clue where to start?
I mean where do I even get boxes from?
Ones that aren't stupidly expensive that is?
And how do I hire a man with a van that isn't going to break or steal my things, or worse go through my knickers!?
To avoid facing up to this I've been distracting myself with other essential tasks, such as shopping for new bits we need for the flat, and busying myself doing, well, stuff.
The bf and I had a bit of a row about this last night because he thought I should be indoors packing this wknd instead of going out. When I explained that I couldn't pack this turned into a bit of a shouty row but eventually I made him see that I just wanted a bit of help. Being open with each other shouldn't take having a row, its a pity it always seems to. Now we're both back to doing things together and I feel much more at ease. Still haven't packed anything, but I'll get there....eventually!

Happy Fathers Day

2011-06-19T16:42:00.000+01:00

Me & My Daddy

I love my Daddy I do.

Even though he's not been around a lot I never doubt that he loves me too.

My Boo

2011-05-30T13:38:00.000+01:00

When I'm down and wanting to end it all. She's the ray of sunshine that helps me get through.

New Hair - Burlingtons and Wahanda

2011-05-25T21:19:00.000+01:00

I've been growing my hair for the last couple of years, and haven't been getting it cut much as I've found the length so precious. The split ends however were working their way up my hair and I knew it was time to get a trim, although I was terrified of losing the length I'd waited so long for.
On Monday I bought the Wahanda National MobDeal for a £23 Haircut, Blowdry and Conditioning Treatment and one of the 7 Burlingtons & New ID Salons across the country. This was with a Creative Director and in total was worth £82 - Bargain! I phoned up yesterday and managed to book myself an appointment for today at the West End Salon on John Princes Street, good service or what!
I arrived early but wasn't kept waiting, the stylist was ready and started my consultation straight away. Once we'd decided I was going to let her put some new layers in and change the shape up a bit, as well as agreeing that I needed around 3 inches removed (sob) she washed my hair. This is always my favourite part of getting my hair done, but this was extra special. They have massage chairs. Yes, the chairs at the sinks give you a back rub while you're having your scalp massaged. It was so incredibly relaxing I could've floated away afterwards.
After I'd come back down to earth, the lovely hairdresser (her name was Karen, brilliant lady) got to work removing all the unhealthy ends and giving me a new style. As I saw the hair falling to the floor I was so terrified of what it was going to look like, and even when it was done I was too scared to look. It wasn't until it was blow dried that I began to take it all in - it was lovely! My hair still looked pretty long, but the layers gave it a whole new shape and me a whole new look. And the curls, well they've not been so bouncy since I had ringlets when I was four!
I've had a smile on my face all evening and I feel all pretty. I could not recommend this deal enough, whether you want a trim or a new style, it's a great offer and it's on for the next 11 days! Go get it!

Boris xx

Stick a fork in me, I'm done!

2011-05-24T21:34:00.000+01:00

I'm so full tonight as I cooked dinner for myself and the Mr and probably ate enough for two (no don't go getting any ideas).
This was a big achievement for me as I haven't really cooked much in the last couple of years, bake yes but cook no.
Unless I've been out or someone else has been cooking for me, I've pretty much lived on microwave pizzas and fish fingers. Oh and toast.
There are a few reasons for this that I can think of
- depression tends to stop you taking care of yourself, which for me was particularly noticeable in my eating habits.
- there were a number of occasions when I came home and would have to spend 20 mins cleaning the kitchen before I could even consider using it, and by then I'd just think what's the point and give up.
- going through certain situations (moving/crazy MiL/court/breakup) stressed me out and destroyed my appetite.

Since I've been getting help, feeling a bit better and looking after myself more, the Mr has been doing most of the cooking. Not that I'm complaining, he's awesome! (He does all the washing up too!) But I have been thinking I should try and do some when I'm feeling up to it, so today I went ahead and made chicken curry. This then meant I had to overcome another obstacle - raw chicken.
I know this sounds like a strange thing to have a problem with, but back in the days when I used to cook, I started having panic attacks whenever I went near raw chicken, to the point that I had to leave the kitchen while my ex did the chopping and started the cooking. That was pretty much the end of me in the kitchen. I don't know why I acted so irrationally, but I haven't tried again since. So today marks a big milestone in that I managed to handle and cook the raw meat and make a rather scrummy meal (if I do say so myself) and as long as neither the boy or I find ourselves rushing to the loo later, I'll take it as a success. Fingers crossed it all goes well and I can experiment a bit more and try some things I've always been too scared of before.

I guess we'll see...

Boris x

2011-05-14T20:16:00.000+01:00

Oh goodness it's been ages since I last posted on here. I haven't really got much of a reason, I've just been back at work and desperately trying to find somewhere to move into.
This week I had my first CBT class, I'm doing group therapy for 6 weeks and although it started last week, I was too much of a wreck to go in. I've still been feeling down quite a lot recently and am really hoping that after this is finished I'll be able to cope with things in the future much better.
I went back to my doctor this week and she's advised that I think about upping my dosage of medication, and also give myself more of a break, as I'm still trying to do too much when I'm meant to be resting.
This is where the boyfriend comes in. Don't get me wrong, he's lovely, but dealing with me when I'm down takes some getting used to, and he hasn't quite gotten there yet. Nor do I trust him to get things done. Not that that's his problem, it's mine. I'm a complete control freak and completely believe in doing something myself if I want it done right. So I'm going to be working on this over the next few weeks - giving myself a break and letting other people do things for me. I may moan more than usual, but as I haven't been on here in ages I'd guess most people have forgotten I'm here and the ranting will go unnoticed. Hoorah!
I leave you now as the first Eurovision song is just starting and I MUST watch!!
Toodles
X Boris X

Flower of the Month - Daffodils

2011-03-14T16:43:00.000Z

What did you do on Saturday 12th March? I hope if you were out and about you donated your spare change for a Daffodil in support of Marie Curie. I did and I'd like to thank all of the kind people who, in the two short hours I was collecting in Bromley High Street, were exceptionally generous with their donations.
I've never done this kind of fundraising before, and felt privileged to be involved in the Great Daffodil Appeal on Daffodil Day. It surprised me how many people stopped to give a donation. It shows that even though times are difficult, people are still willing to help a good cause.
I'm collecting for the charity again this Friday 18th March at North Greenwich Tube Station between 5 and 7 pm. If you're there please do say Hi. Otherwise wish me luck, fingers crossed I don't get squished by rush hour commuters!

Borry xx

Bon anniversaire!

2011-03-06T22:21:00.000Z

Bonjour!

I had such a fabulous time on my Birthday I didn't want it to end, so I've been continuing the celebrations all week. And as I haven't been to work since, I'll have more celebrations when I'm back (mmm...more cake)!
Here's a little rundown of what I've been up to, for more accurate reading add in cake after every second sentence.
After having a mini breakdown on Monday (caused by aggressive pmt), Tuesday was almost perfect. There are few things in the world that justify me getting up at 6am on my birthday, but going to Disneyland is definitely one of them. It was an all-round amazing day, the highlights being hugs with Mickey and Buzz, and then during the parade both Tigger and Captain hook!! They both just came up and gave me a cuddle! I was ecstatic! I spent a large proportion of the day jumping up and down through excitement (plus it kept me warm). I think the BF was rather shocked at my eagerness and described losing me in the crowds as I pushed, shoved and elbowed my way through hoards of children.

Best Birthday Ever!

That night we stayed in a lovely hotel right by the Eiffel Tower - the Pullman. The room was gorgeous, and the hotel staff friendly and accommodating, despite our poor efforts at french. We spent the Wednesday walking around Paris and taking photos. By the end of the trip we were both so tired we actually looked forward to 2hrs on the train back to London. While walking around Paris I was having crepe cravings but couldn't seem to find a creperie, but as soon as I walked out at St Pancras, the first place I saw was CrepeAffaire so I went and treated myself to a yummy camembert and cranberry delight.
Thursday the BF and I slept in late, went and did a spot of shopping in Covent Garden, then I had dinner plans with the Girls. They treated me to some lovely presents, and most spectacularly my very own face cake!!

Isn't it Fabulous?!

On Friday I spent pretty much the whole day baking loads of yummy cakes (which I'm still munching my way through) and had a visit from my lovely Ron who spoiled me with even more pressies! Yesterday I continued celebrations by having a family lunch. Although it was the first time meeting the BF, my mother and 2nd nan decided (after a couple of glasses of wine) to discuss their underwear in front of him. Embarrassed could not possibly describe how I felt. Other than that the usual family dramas didn't scare him off, and I think it went rather well, we even got the embarrassing photos out of the way (much to the horror of my sister, who I'm sure now hates me).

Overall an amazing week, big thanks to those who made it so special

Lots of Love
Boris xxx

Time for Pretties

2011-02-24T11:28:00.000Z

As It's a new year and everything I think I need a new background.
Having not been on the blog for so long, I didn't realise the code needed changing, so I've been to shabbyblogs.com to get a lovely new background.
They're all so pretty I had trouble choosing. But this one made me smile so I kept it. Going to look for pretty buttons and things now, hope you enjoy too.

Boris xx

(p.s. yes I'm still in bed, I'll get up soon, promise)

Better late than never?

2011-02-24T11:05:00.000Z

Ahem...hello?

*echo's around the room*

Is anybody out there Sheila?

*tumbleweed passes*

No?

Oh dear. Must've scared everyone off. I am still here, just a little behind schedule.
If you enjoyed my ramblings then sorry about that. If not then you may thank me in the form of chocolate, and turn away before my next rant.
If you've read the previous posts about my craziness, you'll see that I'm on medication right now. My dose has been changed a couple of times to try and make me feel more stable. Up until very recently I thought it was all working very well. I'd been feeling a lot more rational about everything, and things were looking up. I'd even gone and got myself a lovely new boyfriend! Who would have thought that was possible?

Things have definitely been going well, that is until this weekend. You see although the medication helps me deal with things a bit better, it doesn't help the real issues. I feel like I've been lying to everyone, telling them I'm fine when really I'm anything but. My head is still all over the place, the simplest tasks can seem so hard. I had a really low moment, feeling like certain people (who i've been told over and over again are probably not worth the tears) weren't treating me with the same consideration and respect as I do them. And this just kicked off another period of self-deprecating and loss of interest in pretty much everything. Currently I'm sitting in my pyjamas contemplating getting out of bed. It's not looking likely.
I'm not great at describing what's going on, but it's not pleasant, not at all. I sometimes feel so worthless I don't see the point to anything. I have to take each day as a new challenge and just see what happens. I'm off work for a little while to rest and look after myself, and try and get some more help. Things didn't work out with my counsellor, so hopefully going to try CBT and see what happens.

Anyways I hope that hasn't depressed you, on a happier note I've got a lot more time to do the things I want to now. I'm going a bit OTT with the baking, and seeing as my appetite is pretty much non-existant, there's always lots spare, so do pop round if you'd like.

Toodloo for now
Boris xxx

2010-11-22T21:17:00.000Z

I'm currently out of the office, or rather away from my laptop.

I should hopefully be back sometime in December.

If you miss me send chocolate, or click here to see more of what I'm up to.

Toodloo for now

Boris x

Tripping all over the place

2010-10-27T22:01:00.000+01:00

Day 1 - side effects

I found it pretty hard to get up this morning. Literally ignored my alarm until 15mins before I needed to leave and rolled myself out of bed. Usually by this point I'd be rushing about stressing, but today I didn't. I just got dressed, did everything and left. No stress, no feeling of forgetting something, no pressure. Twas quite nice actually.
The only thing I have had a problem with is the shakes. I've been jiggling all over the place all day. When I go to talk my jaw feels like it's not attached to my head and wants to go and do it's own thing! I keep biting my tongue as a result (must grab the bonjela)
Took my second pill at work today and think it must've kicked in quicker than yesterday's. I started shaking more and couldn't quite read the text on the computer. My boss was fab, really understanding, and sent me straight home. I had a nap and felt alright after, but the shakes were still there. It's rather amusing when I talk as I keep fumbling to get the words out, and when I do my mouth doesn't want to do what I want it to!

So I've been gradually telling my friends about my new 'happy pills' and how I've been feeling and pretty much the response I've received is - why didn't you call me?
I can't explain this properly but the fact is I wasn't in control of how I was feeling at the time. I had pretty much given up. Saying that, even now I don't see how calling my friends would have helped. There's nothing anyone could have done at the time to make things better. I'm just thankful that some of my remaining sanity took over and stopped me doing anything stupid. I have amazingly supportive friends, but none of them could have done anything to help me at the time. The best thing they can do for me now is just help me do this properly and support my teetotalness for the foreseeable future.
This begins with having some girls round friday night to help clear out my booze cupboard. I'm making cupcakes and they're getting sloshed!

Off to the land of nod now, we'll see what oddities tomorrow brings.

Toodloo

Boris x

Six Months of Sobriety

2010-10-26T22:49:00.001+01:00

You may get from the title that I have a problem with alcohol. This isn't exactly the case. I have an issue with depression. Recently (the past 8 months-ish) I have turned to drink more, weekdays, weekends, lunch breaks, there has been wine for all occasions. It is surprising that I went this was seeing as one of the reasons I feel the way I do is because of someone who had a 2 litre per day vodka habit when they lived with me. This coupled with my current situation being less than ideal, my family having a variety of problems, and my job causing me more anxiety than it's worth does not a happy Boris make.
Over the last couple of months I've been feeling more and more helpless. The bad days have been outweighing the good. I've struggled to motivate myself to do the simplest of tasks and just living has seemed the hardest thing in the world to do.
This weekend was awful. I spent all Sunday crying and fighting with myself. I won't go into detail about what I was thinking of doing, but it wasn't pleasant.
I really do feel like the rational side of me is fighting a losing battle as the fog takes over.

So today I went to the doctors to get some help. The GP I saw was very understanding, and I've been given a low dose antidepressant; I've always tried to avoid drugs previously but can't see any alternative any more. So here's where the drinking part comes in - I can't! The doctor said I will probably need to be on the medication for 6 months to get the full effect. Apparently I shouldn't drink during this time, as that will only serve to make me feel worse, alcohol being a depressant etc. So there you have it. I'm sober for the next six months. I'm going to really try to give this a go, and I hope it makes me feel more human again. At least I won't be hungover at Christmas, my nan will be pleased.
If you notice me falling off the wagon, please do tell me off via text/tweet/bbm/slap in the face.
I appreciate the help.

Thank you muchly
Boris x

For the love of the Body Shop

2010-09-12T14:43:00.000+01:00

I Absolutely LOVE The Body Shop. I do. It's true.
I love that I always smell positively edible.
I love that I can buy skincare products that actually work, the Seaweed range is my fave.
I love that I can feel good about the products I'm buying as they're not tested on fluffy things, made with recyclable packaging, and use community trade ingredients. Then there's all the charity products as well and the awareness they raise for all kinds of important issues.

My most recent love is the new Sweet Lemon bath range. I have the shower gel, body scrub and body butter.

They all smell sweet and zingy and make you feel alive and awake.
My favourite product is the body scrub. It has bits of zest that help exfoliate, but it's not too harsh, it practically melts into your skin leaving you feeling divine.

The products aren't always the cheapest, but there are usually great offers to take advantage of. I placed my last order a few weeks ago and got 30% off all purchases, and 2 for £15 on body butter and scrubs. Bargain? I think so!
I also have a Love Your Body Card - this costs £5 per year and you save at least 10% off all purchases, plus up to £20 extra throughout the year in bonuses. This applies to online purchases too and you get free delivery when you spend over £15 (which I always do).

I'm completely in love!

Bellybuttonitis - The Facts

2010-09-12T14:41:00.001+01:00

I come from a family where my mother has to sit down for at least half an hour after each meal or spend the rest of the day on the loo, my sister spends half of her life in the bathroom and my aunt has a recently diagnosed wheat intolerance.
I realised I had a problem with my stomach a few years ago when I began to get stomach pains that just wouldn't go away. I was working in an office at the time and I would literally curl up in a ball at my desk and just wait for the pain to ease. It would always start with stabbing pain behind my belly button and move diagonally downwards to the right. It wasn't my appendix (yes I googled the symptoms of that) so having no other idea what it was, I called it Bellybuttonitis.
I went to my doctor and she did not think there was any sinister cause, but thought it most likely to be a form of IBS. Irritable Bowel Syndrome is not pleasant. It comes in many forms and appears to be the general term for having a dodgy tum that can't be explained by anything else.
I started taking Peppermint Oil Capsules and immediately saw a difference. I also reduced the amount I was eating, snacking more than having big meals puts less pressure on the digestive system, and I drank buckets of Peppermint Tea.
Over time I've realised that what is going on in my life significantly affects how my stomach behaves. My IBS is stress-induced and when I'm feeling under pressure, or it's that time of the month, I have to be extra careful with what I eat as I remain in a perpetual state of bloating, I really do look 6months pregnant after eating, and then for the rest of the day. The only time my stomach is flat is first thing in the morning. I don't react particularly well to spicy food or too much salad. Sushi is a wonder food, it doesn't hurt no matter how much I scoff! Eating wheat/gluten free products helps too. Most of the time taking the Peppermint capsules is sufficient to ease the pain.
The more I talk about my stomach problems with friends, I realise that most of them have some kind of stomach issue, but a lot are too embarrassed to do anything about it. I've met a lot of people who have much worse symptoms than me and I really feel for them, I can barely stand the pain I get and theirs can be a lot worse. It's a horrible situation to be in but when you have a network of friends you can talk pains and poop with it makes it a hell of a lot easier to deal with, and it helps to ease the stress of the situation as you feel a lot more normal knowing they're going through it too.

It's that time again

2010-09-12T14:17:00.000+01:00

I always seem to leave my blogging until Sundays. This being the only day of the week I actually refuse to leave the comfort of the sofa for a few hours. Today is no exception. I am (for once) not hungover, but still feeling a bit sketchy, have had a silly ear infection this week which has left me dizzy and nauseous for days. Anyway, I realise I have been neglecting the poor blog as the past few weeks have seen my life become again rather confusing. I have written some things but just haven't gotten around to posting them. So here we go, bring on the babble!

Looking for my glue

2010-08-11T22:27:00.000+01:00

When you're broken it's hard to pull yourself together again.

At first it takes a while to gather up all the scattered pieces.

Then you've got to hold on and try not to drop them.

It's like you're clinging on but don't have the strength to keep it all together for long.

Searching for the right glue to hold all the pieces in place, but as you're looking the slightest movement threatens to cause your world to fall apart all over again.

But then something good happens.

You find people like you who are broken, and they can see through the mess and the shattered pieces and they keep going.
Just because they have to.
You have to.

Having friends who are so brave, so strong, even if they don't think so themselves, is such an inspiration.
It's enough reason to keep going, because if they can get through all of that and put themselves back together then you can too.
They may not be the same as they were, and you won't be either. There will still be cracks from the original break.
But what's left afterwards will be so much stronger, wiser, better than the original.
All the pain, all the searching, all the waiting, it will all be worth it.

Ouch...my head

2010-08-01T13:15:00.008+01:00

This is me.

Hungover.

Not a pretty sight.

This was me last night.

Gin...Sambuca...Dissarono...Jaegermeister...Malibu...Water

I danced lots. My feet hurt. I ♥ garage.

Now feeling sorry for myself.

Must stop drinking.

Until next weekend at least.

Oh Dear...

2010-07-31T17:50:00.013+01:00

I went shopping. Bad Boris.

I'm supposed to be on a tight budget to try and sort out the stupidly large credit card bill from last month, but I couldn't seem to help myself today.

I am quite impressed though, as I got 5 clothing items for under £50.

First I bought this little black skirt in the Zara Sale - £9.99 was £19.95

Then while looking for a top in Republic found myself instead drawn to the SoulCal range and got myself this grey cropped hoodie. It was in the Sale so only £10 instead of £19.99. It's just so cute and cosy and perfect for summer evenings, going to the gym/dance class.

I pottered around a bit more, still looking for a top to go with the little black skirt so that I'd have something to wear out tonight, and I found myself in H&M where I bought these pretties:

I haven't decided which top I'm going to wear yet. The pink is just a plain vest - £3.99, the black is all flowery lace on the back - £7.99. Or I might change my mind completely and go for the white body-con dress - £14.99.

So all together (plus the earrings and hair clip I also got) I spent 51.94 on three possible outfits for this evening. A successful (albeit naughty) trip I think.

Oh mustn't forget I did stop off at a charity shop too. Bought 3 books for £6, but that doesn't count, does it? The money's going to a good cause after all.

If only all shops profits went to good causes....

NO!

Bad, bad thoughts!

I'd be unstoppable!!

Another Sunday Update

2010-07-25T22:19:00.008+01:00

Another busy week, I've hardly been on the computer and barely had time to think let alone write anything. Here's a very quick update on what's been going on in my little world...

My beloved BB has been playing up again. It keeps deciding to add w's onto everything I type. I'm guessing this is a sticky key issue, every time I think it's stopped I suddenly send someone 'howwwwwwwwww arwwwwweee yoowwwwuuwwwww?' and realise it's not.

I had my first pole dancing class in what seemed like forever, and it didn't actually go too badly! Recapped on all the moves I've already done and learned a new routine. Aching like a b*tch the next day! Am seriously considering installing a pole at home for extra practice.

Went for two lovely lunches with two lovely ladies. It was during one of these lunches that Barbie and I discovered a shared love for girly books. We have therefore decided to start our own little book club. I'll update you once we've had our first 'official' meeting.

All week I have eaten (and drunk) far too much. I went so far as having McDonalds for breakfast and lunch yesterday. I am utterly disgusting. And I did the worst thing possible for my self esteem this morning and weighed myself. I now hate the scales and they are lucky not to have been thrown out of the window. Mission this week - get back to the gym.

Finally, am rather excited as today all of the Ann Summers goodies from the party arrived! Wooo!

So now I must be off to bed, up at stupid o'clock tomorrow.

Toodloo x

It's nearly Monday. Boo.

2010-07-18T21:46:00.012+01:00

And so another weekend draws to a close. It's been busy, but I've enjoyed it.

It is my Nan's birthday this week so the family went for lunch on Saturday to celebrate. Everyone managed to survive despite both my Sister and I having awful PMT and contemplating murder every few minutes.

After this I had to rush home to bake cupcakes and prepare nibbles for my party in the evening. I'd already been to the shops in the morning and bought everything (yes everything in the shop) and had spent my Friday night scrubbing the floor/toilet/kitchen sink in preparation. I was a little behind schedule and was still icing cakes when my first guests arrived, they got to see the crazy face of concentration (i.e. me arguing with the piping bag), lucky girls!

The party itself was loads of fun, twas an Ann Summers party and consequently I spent far too much money and must now work overtime for my entire lifetime to pay off the credit card bill for this month alone. The games were hilarious, myself and Hannah won one of them, I shan't go into details just in case my mother stumbles upon this, but we now have certificates to prove our...erm...skills? Although I don't think this one will be going on the wall.

Before you go thinking that I maxed out my card on toys, I must point out that I've also bought far too many outfits (proper clothes) and pairs of shoes this month, the party only contributed slightly to the immense credit card bill.

Today I went for lovely lunch and shopping with the Wife. I was very restrained and bought only what I needed. Something I will need to do much more often until I win the lottery. Chances of which being rather slim while I don't play. *Note to self - plan needs revising.

To increase my debt even more I'm going back to dance class this week. I can't remember if I've ranted about this already but to recap I sort of broke my toe a while back doing a rather ungraceful landing from one of my (supposedly) better spins. I haven't been able to dance or wear heels since as the stupid thing has been swollen and sore, but this week it's looking and feeling much better and I'm incredibly excited about going back!

So I'll leave you to ponder over my madness while I search for some Bonjela, have got the nastiest little ulcer on my tongue, incredibly irritating little thing.

And then I'll be off to Bedfordshire.

Nighty night xx

2010-07-15T19:07:00.003+01:00

I'm sitting in Starbucks.

This is a first for me, never used this free wifi thing before.

I've been parked here a while and my bottom's beginning to go a little numb.

(she says wiggling about in her seat to try and get some feeling back)

Also it's rather chilly, I'm sure they've put the air con on, aimed directly at me. Brrr

Could do with a nice coffee to warm me up. Frappuccino wasn't exactly the most sensible choice in hindsight.

I wish they did table service. I'd be a happy bunny then. And a warm one too.

Going to distract myself from the igloo and try to make this lil page more pretty.

Any suggestions for finding prettiness would be much appreciated.

Toodles

I made something!!

2010-07-03T23:04:00.005+01:00

I did I did I made some thing pretty!

It's a big slouchy hat I've made pretty with a little jade ribbon twisted into (what's supposed to look like) a shamrock.

I know it's not exactly big woolly hat season, but I had the urge to knit and couldn't think of anything else I could whip up in a few hours.

This is going to a lovely girl as a bday pressie, hope she likes it and doesn't think I'm completely crazy giving her a woolly hat in July.

Sad Face No More

2010-06-28T19:29:00.004+01:00

I've had a rather rubbish weekend, haven't been able to sleep much and have been an emotional wreck because of it.

All I keep wishing is that things would be simpler...but then I suppose if it was I'd be complaining I was bored.

So I've decided I'm not going to whinge any more...after this...

After a rubbish start, today turned out to be really lovely. I left work early (not quite being able to cope with all the crying every few minutes) and came back to my home town for a spot of retail therapy. I met up with my beautiful Barbie and pondered lots of important things...mysteries of the universe and all that...and had a good old gossip over a frappuccino. Managed to only cry once. Wooppaaa! Barbarella never fails to make me smile.

Then I went round to my sister's for a natter. I always find it odd how our bad days seem to be in sync, must be in the genes. Super sister then became my nurse extraordinaire when I accidentally leant on the hot kettle. I got a burn on my arm and she came to my rescue with a tub of sudocreme. I do love her!...although I never did get my cup of tea...hmmph

After all that I still haven't decided what I'm going to do. Still figuring out what I really want. I've got the space I was after now, but I can't help feeling lonely because of it. Hopefully I'll be out of this limbo soon and will be moving on to better, brighter days...gotta think positive I guess!

Well that's it from the moany front, I'm officially shutting down the negativity....NOW

Will be back with lots of happy things soon!

Toodles x

Men are like buses

2010-06-16T16:39:00.006+01:00

Who hasn't been told before that men are just like buses.

You wait a lifetime for one then two (or more) come along at once.

But what about if you were on a bus that crashed, and it's there waiting for you to get back on after having made some emergency repairs. But you're nowhere near fully recovered yet.

And two other buses have also turned up and want you to hop on board.

What the hell are you supposed to do?

All I seem to be doing is causing everyone (including myself) more pain.

So I'm giving up.

F*ck public transport.

I'm walking.

Holiday! Celebrate!

2010-05-28T10:12:00.006+01:00

Just wanted to share my excitement that I'm going on holiday on Tuesday!!! Woooooo!!

I'm going to Santorini with my friend Molly, who has been amazing organising it all. If it was up to me we'd be lucky to get to Butlins!

This weekend will be spent shopping and recovering from yet another cold, I currently have the voice of a frog....but no prince in sight.

I have absolutely no idea what to take with me, it's been so long since I've been away. So I'll probably end up with a suitcase full of useless things and buy everything I need out there. Which reminds me, I really need to change my money up today, or no shopping!

I'm really looking forward to getting away and having some me time, something I've been craving for quite a while. Hopefully this will give me the space to get some serious thinking done about what I want in the future....and get a tan.

How I will last the week without Tweeting I'm not sure...might start a running commentary of my break in 140 character chunks. I don't think I've warned Mol I'm a tweetaholic, poor thing.

I'll leave you now to go think jealous thoughts as I get ready for Tuesday.

SO EXCITED!!!

Toodloo xx

Pretty New Spots

2010-04-25T10:55:00.007+01:00

A few months ago I decided to get a new tattoo. It took me ages to choose what I wanted but eventually decided on a leopard print pattern in grey shades on my waist. I had it started a few weeks ago but after two hours couldn't take any more pain and had to stop. I had it finished a few days ago and here is the end result:

It's larger than I'd initially planned but I absolutely love it!

It's still a bit sore where the new parts are healing, but the scabs should all be gone in a couple of weeks.

Since having it done I feel more like the me I want to be. I've been going through a rough time recently, but whenever I catch a glimpse of this I can't help but smile.

The artist who did it for me was amazing and incredibly patient with me (I can't take pain very well) and I would recommend his studio to anyone - go to www.avinittattoo.co.uk for more info

I disgust myself

2010-04-20T16:36:00.003+01:00

Just a quick note to say I'm very sorry I've not been feeling myself recently.

I'm getting back to normal very slowly.

Although I now have the most disgusting cold and leave a trail of snotty tissues wherever I go.

I feel like my brain is literally coated in snot, preventing me thinking straight. Bleugh.

I'll leave you with that beautiful thought...but I'll be back soon, promise!!

Pretty things

2010-03-11T20:35:00.007Z

I'm having shopping cravings.

I've not long done a little bit of shopping with the vouchers I was given for my birthday, and bought these lovely bits amongst others.

ASOS | ASOS Vintage Lingerie Dress at ASOS

ASOS | ASOS Quilted Lock Across Body Bag at ASOS

I also ordered some gorgeous boots from Boohoo.com but they haven't arrived yet, the delivery people never appearing when I'm actually in!

These are a few pretty thing that I would really like to buy myself but don't really have any reason to... although I could do with some cheering up right now so maybe that's good enough?

I am loving the Keep Calm And Carry On Necklace and the Anchor Earrings from Temporary Secretary. Both soo cute!

But my favourite is the Key To My Heart Necklace from Nelli D on Folksy it's just adorable, makes me smile inside.

Boris x

BIRTHDAY GIRL

2010-02-27T10:18:00.007Z

If it wasn't clear by the title, it's my birthday soon!! On Monday I'm going to be 23! Yay!

Official celebrations began yesterday, went to the local pub with work friends @3pm and although I had the best intentions of leaving early didn't get home til gone 12. That was a good 8hrs drinking, after having only 5hrs sleep. I am hardcore.

Today I feel a little delicate, not able to have the lie in I so desired, being scratched by silly cats wanting their breakfast at stupid o'clock. Now I must go shower off last night's alcohol in preparation for today's to arrive. Family lunch is @1pm. Hopefully there will be cake. If there isn't someone's (mother's) head will roll.

Later there is more drinking and dancing to be done. I have no plan as I am rubbish at making them. I just hope that people I like will congregate in the same place at the same time. Preferably with the intention of buying me a drink. Although if I have any more tequila this weekend I may hurl.

Boris x

THAT Club I won't be visiting again

2010-02-21T14:39:00.010Z

Last night I went out for a friend's birthday, and for the most-part had a great time, lots of drink and dancing and general merriment. However when it came time to leave I had a bit of a problem, which I am still enraged about.

Usually I prebook taxis to take me home after my night out, or arrange to be picked up, but on this occasion I'd checked the venue's website and saw this on their FAQs -

'we provide a taxi service to help you get home safe in a licenced cab.'

Now this made me feel safer about not booking a cab in advance, as I thought this meant there would be a licenced taxi rank outside the venue.

Obviously I was wrong.

2am came and some of my friends had already left and those remaining weren't interested in going home yet. So I ventured outside alone and asked the venue's security staff where I would find this licenced taxi rank I had envisioned. I was pointed to a woman in a car and told 'there's cab just there for you' *alarm bell*.

The woman asked me where I wanted to go, and I said Bromley, she said £40. £40?? I thought she was kidding, it was only £25 to get there from further away!

When I looked at her car and couldn't see the licence stickers in the windows, or any form of ID displayed in the car or on her person *alarm bell*. Next the cabdriver asked for the fare upfront. At this point it clicked (yes it took a while for my alcohol-sodden grey matter to put it together) that this, and all of the other cabs around were not licenced, and if I got in one of these cars there was a good chance of me ending up being another assault/abduction/rape statistic.

I remembered the Cabwise adverts and text CAB to 60835 (a number I had already saved in my phone). I was told by the first firm that they were in another part of London, and the second that they didn't pick up from the club as it had its own taxi rank there. I text again and tried the new numbers, one wasn't answered and the second again told me that they wouldn't pick up from there as there was a cab office at the venue. Now I was getting scared. I approached the club parking attendants and asked where this supposed cab office was, I was pointed to a little broken looking portacabin with cars parked outside, and a group of men out front. The 'manager' was called over and asked where I was going, when I said Bromley, again the reply was £40, minimum. Now the drivers started swarming around, I felt like a goldfish surrounded by sharks. I was (obviously) scared and walked away, trying to find some kind of road sign/landmark so that I could order a cab from somewhere else, but not knowing the area I didn't know which way to go, not feeling safe enough to cross a dual carriageway or walk down a dark alleyway alone.

I tried one of the cab firms I had the number of again, and pleaded with them, I was crying by this point and just asking them to please tell me why they wouldn't come to pick me up, when there was no minicab office here, only unlicenced cabs and I really wanted to get home in one piece. The operator was very kind and told me where to walk to that they could pick up from, and sent a car straight away, telling me the make/model of vehicle to expect.

It turns out that the main reason local cab companies refuse to pick up from this venue is due to the abundance of unlicenced cabs being there, as usually by the time they get there the customers have already gotten into another cab.

I am absolutely appalled at this, mostly because the club promotes on its website to the provision of a 'taxi service to help you get home safe in a licenced cab' but the club staff direct you to unlicenced, unsafe cabs instead. But also the reluctance of local firms to pick up from this venue adds to the number of vulnerable people having no choice other than to get into one of these unsafe cars.

If I haven't pointed out the dangers of unlicenced cabs enough, here's a quick list of things a cab driver has to have to get a Private Hire Vehicle Licence -

Full UK Driving Licence

Medical Asessment

Documentation to prove eligibility to work in the UK

Criminal Records Bureau Disclosure

Topographical Skills Assessment

In addition the car used will be to a roadworthy standard, and insured. I know this is still not a guarantee that your journey will be safe, but I feel 100% happier in a cab knowing that a)the driver can drive b)they are insured and c) that the driver has no previous convictions for rape/abduction or assault of their customers.

In my opinion it's not a lot to ask for, to be taken home in one piece.

I Dream of Disney

2010-02-07T19:53:00.012Z

I have just had a lovely afternoon watching one of the most magical films ever made - Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. The DVD was one of my (many) Christmas pressies from OH, and I've finally gotten round to watching it and ALL of the bonus features, which were really quite interesting, and got me thinking (dangerous as that is).

I have always loved Disney, though I tried for many years to hide it. One of my earliest memories is in the cinema, trying to touch the screen as I watched The Little Mermaid. I was apparently also very entertaining to the rest of the audience when Under The Sea came on and I danced around like the crazy hyperactive child I was!

Well since then I've been utterly in love with the magic of Disney films, just one glimpse of the castle and instantly all my worries are gone and I'm in a place of happiness again. I have a rather large number of Disney songs on my iPod and each one of them never fails to make me smile. One thing I haven't yet done is go to one of the parks, not that I don't want to... OH just needs some more persuading is all.

Although I can safely say that I have not succumbed to the HSM trilogy, I have tried but just can't get in to them. I am however an embarrassingly big fan of the Hannah Montana Movie. If you've seen it then you'll know this song - it's amazingly emotional and I love it!

I am also a BIG fan of Enchanted, could watch the Kings&Queens Ball dance sequence over and over again. It gives me the same rush as the end of Dirty Dancing, so if you haven't seen it and you're a DD fan then go watch it I tell you!!

Right now I'm really excited about the two new movies - The Princess and The Frog and Alice in Wonderland. I (obviously) love all of the Princess movies, and this new one looks to be just as good. And Alice, oh come on, any movie by Tim Burton or anything with Johnny Depp is destined to be amazing. FACT.

Ooo and one more thing! Beauty and the Beast - re-released on DVD this Autumn! Can't wait to add it to the collection (and it's in time for a certain scrabbit's birthday...ahem Princess themed party please!)

That's enough embarrassing confessions for now. Toodles x

Are you sitting comfortably? Then let's begin...

2010-01-30T19:50:00.000Z

Hello there!

I'm going to keep this brief, but thought some introductions were required, so

Hello! Bonjour! Guten Tag! Marhaben! How are you? I do hope you're well.

This is me -

The smiley chap on the left is my fiance (often referred to as OH, or just him over there) this was taken on the best (also first and last) hot holiday we've ever had! If you do ever find yourselves in Gran Canaria with nowhere to stay, the Sheraton Salobre is just stunning! A bit far away from the town, but if you want seclusion and luxury then it's fantastic!

This is the view from our room there -

It was just such a magical holiday and I'd love to go back... but anyway I'm blabbering, less of the tour guide, more of the intro. I'm 22yrs old, soon to be 23. I work full time and live with OH (above) and his younger brother (from hereon to be referred to as Teen) in Bromley. We also have two lovely cats Sheerah and Honey, and a soppy little pooch called Dennis.

I've finally decided to post something here as I feel the need to document my progress, so even if no-one else reads, this is going to effectively be my online journal for the next year. I've just had a really rewarding experience that's helped me to refocus and see more clearly where I want to be. I've been thinking a lot about what I want and how to get it and have set myself some goals. Speaking of which, here they are :

1. Finish Part 1 of my arabic course (that I've so far completed half of 4 times in 3yrs)

2. Get promoted at work, even if it's just on a temporary basis

3. Knit myself a hat/scarf/gloves set in time for next winter

4. Learn how to make carrot cake

5. Finish the work needed in the house.

6. Be MUCH more organised

They're not in any particular order, and are subject to change as I will probably think of something I've forgotten as soon as I post this!

For now, I'm feeling positive and looking forward to the future, my future.

I'll keep you posted, but for now Toodle-oo!

Good Morning!

2009-09-30T10:43:00.000+01:00

Hi! I have a blog!

I don't know what to put here yet...will think of something soon. Created this thing in a moment of insomnia last night and have no clue what I'm supposed to be doing. Going to go and look at some other ppls blogs for some inspiration.

Toodles!

Joyful